Battle Instructions

I am taking a tiny break from studying Japanese. I have most of the conversations from the section memorized (Hajimemashite. Mochizuki desu. Doozo yoroshiku. etc.), but the hiragami introduced on Thursday is escaping me. I keep mixing up shi and su, which is stupid, and I'm forgetting the stuff I'd already memorized, like ke and e and u, which is even stupider.

Anyway, to entertain myself, I decided to open up the Helm's Deep Battle Figures box I got on sale from Toys'R'Us when I was with my sister. (It was on sale! It had Legolas! I had to!) As I was removing the figures from an entanglement of plastic-coated security wires, I discovered a sheet in the box entitled "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Helm's Deep Battle Set Instruction Sheet." Turns out these action figures have their own Middle-Earth-type kung-fu action, as follows:

• Haldir (a.k.a., The Ugly Elf Who Was Sent To Die)
  ... "Bow Attack Action" : he shoots arrows!
  
• Legolas (a.k.a., The Pretty Elf With Mad Skillz Who Will Never, Ever Die)
  ... "Weapon Wielding Action" : uh, he holds his sword, bow, or daggers (like unto kung-fu action grip, only with weapons).
  ... "Weapon Storage" : well, you can store lots of weapons, like arrows and the two nifty, long daggers. not really action, is it, unless you're into sheathing swords, which has connotations of its own.
  (I suspect Gimli enjoys this particular "battle action.")
  (the excess of weaponry may explain why the Pretty Elf outlives the Ugly Elf, other than Legolas is Too Pretty To Die.)
  ... "Arrow-Launcing Action" : you can shoot arrows from Pretty Elf's bow while he holds the bow, permitting reenactments of the Helm's Deep Orc-killing Competition between Legolas and his life partner, Gimli.
  
• Gimli (a.k.a., The Pretty Elf's Life Partner)
  ... "Axe-Throwing Action" : entails "Axe-Loading," which is not unlike Legolas's Weapon Wielding Action, except Gimli then throws to axe when you squeeze his legs together. neat!
  (except for maybe the leg-squeezing, which is, ah, kinda, um, gay.)
  ... he also has a removeable helmet and lots of axes which he can toss like dw-, uh, mad. like mad.
  
• King Theoden (a.k.a., The King)
  ... "Sword-Slashing Action" : you stick the sword in his hand, press a button, and swoosh! a killer sword-swooshing move!
  ... he, too, has a removeable helmet, protecting that royal head until, um, later, and, like the others, has a nice sheath to hold his manly-type sword.
  
• Aragorn (a.k.a., Still Not King)
  ... "Sword-Slashing Action" : same as King Theoden's.
  ... he has the sheath for protection of man-sword, but no helmet. I guess 'cause he's not king yet.
  ... he does have a dagger hidden behind his left arm, so you know he's going to make it through all three films: the more weaponry, the more likely the character represented by the action figure is going to survive.

I shall now have the five of them introduce themselves to each other in Japanese.

Sumimasen. Legolas-san desu ka?
Hai, soo desu.
Gimli desu. Hajimemashite. Doozo yoroshiku.
Legolas desu. Hajimemashite. Doozo yoroshiku.

Ah, the beginning of a beautiful friendship. sniff

addendum
Please note Haldir also has a removeable helmet, but seeing as the orc got him in the back (bad form!), the helmet didn't do Ugly Elf much good. Maybe he should give it to Aragorn? Or maybe Aragorn took it after cradling Dead Haldir, knowing Ugly Elf wouldn't need it to protect his unattractive head anymore.

addendum-addendum
Also, I am fully aware it was mostly, if not all, uruk-hai attacking Helm's Deep. I'm just too lazy to type out "uruk-hai" when necessary.

Also, I forgot.