Late Night TV Political Humor
e-mailed to me by my elder sister
"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German."
- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.
"President Bush is supporting Arnold. But a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father hadn't been a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
- Bill Maher
"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical, and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating."
- David Letterman
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country."
- Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
- Conan O'Brien
"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger."
- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course -- he can't pronounce 'Schwarzenegger'."
- David Letterman
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us."
- Jay Leno
"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas, and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish, but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate."
- David Letterman
"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet, and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic."
- Jay Leno
"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200> years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?"
- Jay Leno
"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured. Then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.' "
- Jay Leno
"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?"
- David Letterman
"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together."
- Bill Maher
"[President Bush] used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then he said, on a personal note, that he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on."
- Bill Maher
"President Bush's economic team is now on their Jobs and Growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats."
- Jay Leno
- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.
"President Bush is supporting Arnold. But a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father hadn't been a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
- Bill Maher
"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical, and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating."
- David Letterman
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country."
- Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
- Conan O'Brien
"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger."
- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course -- he can't pronounce 'Schwarzenegger'."
- David Letterman
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us."
- Jay Leno
"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas, and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish, but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate."
- David Letterman
"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet, and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic."
- Jay Leno
"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200> years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?"
- Jay Leno
"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured. Then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.' "
- Jay Leno
"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?"
- David Letterman
"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together."
- Bill Maher
"[President Bush] used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then he said, on a personal note, that he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on."
- Bill Maher
"President Bush's economic team is now on their Jobs and Growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats."
- Jay Leno
Bumpersticker Ideas For The Republicans For 2004
also e-mailed to me by my sister
- Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
- Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA
- Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotapes, but no sex!
- Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
- Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
- Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
- Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
- Bush/Cheney '04: Don't Change Whores in the middle of a screw.
- Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.
- Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
- Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
- Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!
- Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
- Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
- Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil
- George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
- George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
- George W. Bush: He's Not as Dumb as Arnold.
- Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"
- Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
- Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
- Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
- Who would Jesus Bomb?
- With a Bush and a Dick, everyone gets screwed
- One Small Vote for Bush. One Big Vote for Halliburton.
